Today I realised how I may be running out of long skirts to wear. I used to use clothing as a form of expression. Every morning I get up I get excited to open my closet and put together something different, but this week I've been really put to the test. I've started to realise that this was the best intervention that I could have choosen for myself. Not only is it allowing me to start realising things about myself, but it is also allowing me to understand the many different ideas around looking respectful and giving respect. Not to say I was looking disrespectful before by wearing shorts and dresses but as compared to how I've been looking for the past two days, it's quite a change. As I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I slowly started to feel as though I'm loosing myself (yes, I know it sounds dramatic, but I really did).
As I walked out of my res, I passed one of the lady's who clean our res. She realised that I was dressed as I was the day before, in a long skirt and a head wrap. At that moment, I think she realised that maybe it wasnt a choice of style of fashion that I was wearing the day before. This was for real! As usual I took a taxi to CBD Cape Town and as the taxi sped through the streets, I started noticing how many woman actually dress the way I am dressed. Usually they look normal to me, but today, it's different, I can't help but take a closer look at the person that lies behind the clothing.
I hop of the taxi to catch another one to Greenpoint and something feels very strange, something is missing. I realise that my morning is no longer as filled with whistles and howls from men (who don't have manners, why do they do that?) as it used to. Their perception and view of me has been changed by the way I look. Firstly, my legs are'nt showing,my chest is completly covered up and my hair is hidden underneath the head wrap. Hair has such a big influence on how the face looks, I do believe that men are more attracted to women with long flowing hair ( that is how they grew up to view a female, with longer hair than their own) so when I have no hair showing at all, it completely changes the way my face looks. Their perception and view of me is also now based on a lot of assumption, apon seeing me dressed the way I am, they could be assuming that I am married. When a women is married, it takes away the "right" for another man to even look at her, it's as though the woman is taken and is no longer avaiable to be looked at, whistled and howled at (thank goodness!).
Peoples reactions are usually made up of trying to link my face to the conservative look I'm carring by being dressed the way I am. At school my school mates are usually like "wow, you look so cool, you should dress like that all the time!", I don't know whether to me offended or not. Today it's extremely hot and having the head wrap on is extremly uncomfortable, it keeps loosening itslef and I have to keep tightening it. Not cool. The long dress Im wering is literally sticking to my legs (how do they do this?).
As the day progresses, it turns out to be the WORST day ever! I end up having an arguement with a taxi money collector who obviously would'nt be as confident in the way he was taling to be had I been dressed in a different way. In the taxi, I see a guy I'm family friend's with,he does'nt seem to be shocked at all to see me the way I'm dressed, but I guess he's open minded like that. In the taxi there were these girls who looked like they were straight out of a magazine. They looked sureal. not to say I wanted to look and feel as good as they must have been, but they seemed to not even notice me. Which is ok, it just says alot about what perceptions people can make from the way that you are dressed.
Having had such a tough day, I saw the need to express myself in a different way other than through clothing, so I went to the gym to go express myself through gym machinery! what a great decision, came back with itchy hair but feeling normal again.
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